Learning from Christ's Bride

He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church . . . —Ephesians 5:28b-29

“If God offered you the gift of suffering would you take it?” This is the question my father asked of my then nine-year-old son as we worked on our hands and knees replacing a floor. That’s a tough question for anyone, let alone a skeptical nine-year-old who thinks deeply—except when it comes to aerial maneuvers on a swingset!

If God is giving you a gift should you not take it? You would cherish that gift; you would know it is important; you would assume it was something of great value that you need. His gifts are valuable and are just what you need most to serve him well. What of the gift of “the wife of your youth”?  She is “far more precious than rubies” (Proverbs 31:12). Wives, what of the gift of your husband, whose value is probably more than iron and clay?

When I ask the men here in South Sudan what marriage is about, they reply, “the perpetuity of your name/clan, security, money/cows (children), inheritance, provision, care, and love.” But in a culture where polygamy is normal and common, women get married on average at 16 years old, while men get married to their first wife only when they have enough cows for a bride price, rarely before 30 years old. Most couples have a 10-year age gap, and each subsequent wife comes with a greater age gap. The relationship naturally takes on more of a child/adult dynamic, especially when you add in a disparity in education between the partners and differing ideas of child-rearing, considered to be a woman’s value. To a South Sudanese husband, the idea of conferring with your wife, discussing matters, sharing decision making, being held accountable or being rebuked by her—let alone seeking wisdom or learning from this God-given gift—is not likely.

This kind of marriage dynamic would be like saying to the Lord, “You gave me a broken gift. I don’t need it for much.” But the Bible says that “she is far more precious than rubies…She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue” (Proverbs 31:10,26). How much more blessed would we husbands be if we could submit, humble ourselves to be taught, instructed, and rebuked by our spouses as a gift from God, a gift which we need to serve him well. Recently, a simple walk-and-talk with my wife recently made me realize that I had completely misunderstood the dynamics of a situation. My attitudes and planned actions were absolutely inappropriate. I had been blind to all this until my wife explained to me what she had observed. What a gift!

An attitude of humility, expecting blessing from this precious gift, is a gift from the Lord. Recognizing a wife’s different perspective, not to mention all the ways she simply excels more in certain areas, is part of this attitude of humility. The fifth commandment defines the roles and structure that the Lord has set up in the family, and are not stipulated on ability, intelligence, cultural value, or any other such thing. I must not be surprised that my wife excels me in intelligence, godliness, and wisdom, but instead I will thank God and love and nourish and learn from this amazing gift.

The third commandment commands me to have a proper attitude toward the Lord and all the ways he reveals himself in his name, titles, attributes, ordinances and works. This includes having a proper attitude and expectation to be taught by the church herself, the Bride of Christ.

Even Christ, in his earthly humility, learned from his bride. We are told in no uncertain terms that “he learned obedience through what he suffered” (Hebrews 5:8). Our scriptural understanding of the humanity of Christ requires us to understand that, like any man, he had to learn—everything from eating and walking to carpentry and even scripture! What would man’s knowledge be like if it were not limited by sinful nature in the world? Jesus had true and uncorrupted knowledge of God and himself and the world around him, yet we must recognize that as a man he did not have all possible information about those subjects. Therefore, Jesus learned from the visible church, the sinful and misinformed church, which he would one day redeem as a bride and wash with the pure water of his Word. Did he attend to Joseph and Mary with respect and expectation for instruction? What was Jesus’ attitude toward those who would one day be his bride? His value was more, his dignity did in fact excel her and all her members, his wisdom and knowledge were greater, yet he learned from his parents, his rabbi, his synagogue, or whoever taught him to read the scriptures.

When a person will not learn from their spouse (or assumes they cannot), they cripple themselves, making themselves functionally unequally yoked. How many men assume that headship means always correcting, always convincing her that she is wrong, that she does not know much, making her question her intelligence and ability until she is broken enough to have to submit. She submits not out of love, but simply out of the conviction that she can do nothing right on her own—and at this point the husband is more convinced than ever that he has nothing to learn from her. But “he who loves his wife loves himself” (Ephesians 5:28b). He who loves his wife recognizes her virtues, extolling and nourishing them; he who loves this good gift of God to him will recognize that if the sinless Christ could learn from his bride, this human husband should as well.

A man once said to me, “When you get to my age you do not have much to learn from church.” Perhaps he meant learning new information. Perhaps the problem was an American evangelicalism that always keeps the proverbial cookies on the bottom shelf and rarely brings out the meat. But the statement belies an attitude that looks very similar to the one described above. How many of us come to church with little confidence that we will be taught, instructed, or effectively rebuked? We are left in a mindset where we simply come to church to listen for new information, or to compare if what we are hearing fits into our confirmed political and theological views. “If you say things I agree with I will not get upset,” we say to ourselves. This is a bad way to regard your spouse, and a horrible way to approach the bride of Christ. Can you love Christ’s bride? Can you recognize her virtues and strengths? Can you appreciate the numerous benefits you desperately need? Can you recognize your need and humble yourself and learn from this incredible gift from God?

As I write, I find myself a visitor to many churches which I care for. I am a teacher to pastors I train and supporter of ministries here on the mission field. I need to remind myself that the church of Christ has much to teach me, despite the relatively decreased biblical knowledge, general education, and maturity. I must be convinced that the Lord’s good gift, his Bride the Church, is something that I and my family need here where we are. In fact, the language barrier makes us feel rather desperate to be taught and encouraged by Christ through his Bride, even while we are being so taught and encouraged. The body of Christ rebukes and calls to account for entitlement, superiority complexes, and failing to trust the Lord, especially when we have so, so, so much more than anyone around us. We sure could use Christ’s Bride to teach and encourage us now…but if all the language barrier here ever allows us to learn from Christ’s Bride is humility, what it means to trust the Lord with so little, and how to submit to flawed and wicked authority, she will have taught us powerful lessons indeed.

I have a lot to learn from my bride and Christ’s.